Those Who Shouldn't Write Christmas Carols
by StrawberryFields4EverAndAlways
Summary: In two separate instances, the Ninth Doctor and Jack Harkness took pen to paper and utterly trashed the classics.  However, these efforts are not frowned upon.  We applaud their audacity and willingness to humiliate themselves.


**How this fic came to be: I wrote these songs at the encouragement of my younger sister. We were bored one day and wanted a laugh. The only reason they made it into stories on FanFiction is my best friend in the whole world, The Anonymous Photographer. She offhandedly mentioned juvenile delinquents and I was inspired to put my songs into story format. I give my thanks to both of you. And may all of my readers have a joyous holiday season.**

**Disclaimer: Doctor Who isn't, never was, and never will be, mine.**

The First Carol- One of Unity

Most people refuse to believe that the following events occurred accidentally.

The eleven men gathered in the TARDIS console room, aware of the fact that, if this meeting went on too long, the event that would happen next would be the paradox to end all paradoxes. You see, they were in fact the same man, but with eleven separate faces. The time was short, so they decided to celebrate the season with a song.

The first incarnation with long white hair and an elegant suit stepped forward and read the lyrics that had been prepared by the ninth version of himself from a piece of paper. The rules were simple. Each of them had a line. A single line that they would repeat each time their turn came about again.

"On the first day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The second, with his disheveled clothes and mop of dark hair stepped forward.

"On the second day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The third, his outfit that of a dandy came forth at that time.

"On the third day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The fourth, who, with his crazily curly hair, wide brimmed hat, and ridiculously long scarf looked nothing short of insane bounded to the front.

"On the fourth day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The fifth was next. He looked like a young boy going off to play cricket.

"On the fifth day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The sixth was a man who made the fourth look sane.

"On the sixth day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

Next came the seventh, who sported a Panama hat and leaned on an umbrella.

"On the seventh day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me seven juvenile delinquents-"

"-six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The eighth, who stepped forward next, looked like he came from another era.

"On the eighth day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me eight Edwardian suits-"

"-seven juvenile delinquents-"

"-six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

He was the last to sing the name Rose Tyler with a trace of confusion in his tone of voice.

The man who came next, the ninth, compared to the others, was very plain and appeared to have faced many hardships.

"On the ninth day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me nine leather jackets-"

"-eight Edwardian suits-"

"-seven juvenile delinquents-"

"-six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The man who came next was dressed curiously in a brown pinstriped suit and trainers. He, the tenth, was careworn and boyish all at once.

"On the tenth day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me ten pairs of Converse-"

"-nine leather jackets-"

"-eight Edwardian suits-"

"-seven juvenile delinquents-"

"-six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

The newest of all of them, the eleventh felt twenty scrutinizing eyes on him as he came forward. The youngest-looking of all, he dressed like an old professor.

"On the eleventh day of Christmas, Rose Tyler gave to me eleven real cool bow ties-"

"-ten pairs of Converse-"

"-nine leather jackets-"

"-eight Edwardian suits-"

"-seven juvenile delinquents-"

"-six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

"-and a TARDIS in a junkyard."

And this was when they figured out that there wasn't a twelfth and they'd be unable to finish the song. Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed like a World War II military officer ran in and belted out the first line he could think of.

"ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, ROSE TYLER GAVE TO ME TWELVE CAPTAIN JACKS-"

"-eleven real cool bowties-"

"-ten pairs of Converse-"

"-nine leather jackets-"

"-eight Edwardian suits-"

"-seven juvenile delinquents-"

"-six patchwork coats-"

"-FIIIIIIIIVE CELERY STIIIIICKS-"

"-four knitted scarves-"

"-three karate lessons-"

"-two new recorders-"

And the first, the original surprised them all by singing, "-AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!"

The tenth looked scandalized. "No, that won't work."

The first furrowed his brow. "May I ask why not, boy?"

His answer was clear and simple. "I hate pears."

"How about an apple tree then?" It was the fourth who suggested it.

The eleventh shuddered at the mere thought of an apple. "Absolutely not."

"When did they become such picky eaters," grumbled the first.

The ninth suddenly grinned. "I've got something."

A whisper went around the group and then all twelve, eleven of whom were actually one, sang for all the cosmos to hear, "AND A PARTRIDGE IN A BANANA TREE."

%%%%%%%

The Second Carol- One of Mirth

Rose followed the sound of piano music to a music room in the TARDIS one winter's afternoon. "Hello?"

Jack jumped at the sound of her voice. "Oh, don't mind me. I was just composing a great musical masterpiece."

Rose raised her eyebrows. "The Doctor would probably appreciate that. DOCTOR!"

The man in question ran in, looking worried. "What's wrong?"

Rose smirked. "Jack's written a song. Therefore a lot of things might be."

The Doctor looked skeptical. "Oh really? Take it away, then."

Jack cleared his throat and cracked his fingers. Then he started playing the tune of Jingle Bells. And then he sang. "Jingle bells, Mickey smells, Adam laid an egg. Rose is hot, but the Doctor's not, and his nose scares her away."

Rose and the Doctor exchanged a rather baffled look. Then the Doctor clapped a hand on their virtuoso friend's shoulder. "Don't quit your day job."

**Thank you for reading! Review cookies for all of those who review. I made pear-**

**Tenth: NO.**

**Apple?**

**Eleventh: NO.**

**Banana?**

**Ninth and Tenth: YES.**

**Alright. I made banana review cookies. So hit that button!**


End file.
